I’m tired. Tired of the blood checking, tired of the dosing, tired of the mathematical calculations, but most of all, I’m tired of watching my son battle this disease every minute of every day.
I’m tired of the constant changes, tired of the not knowing, tired of the what ifs, tired of grieving. I would love a break, it’s something I fantasize about, dream about, something I know is not a reality.
I think back to those first 17-months of my son’s life, it was a different time back then. It was a time where we took every minute of every day for granted. We were carefree, before I even had a concept of what the word carefree really meant. We lived “normal” lives, with the “normal” worries. What we were going to wear that day, what we would eat for dinner, where I would take the kids to get them out of the house.
Now there is so much effort put into Carter’s care. It’s exhausting. We went to look at insulin pumps today, and I wasn’t prepared for the emotion it would bring to the surface. It wasn’t long ago that we were thrust into this life, with no choice, now here I was looking at technology strewn across the table, and presented with the choice of which small device I wanted to pick to assist me in keeping my son alive.
I am grateful for the insulin pump, which will allow greater freedom for Carter to be a child, though connected to a device, he won’t have to slow down to get a shot. This in turn will allow him to not get poked multiple times throughout the day, it will be one bigger poke every 3 days and then but for the cell phone shaped pump he will harness to his clothes, Type 1 Diabetes will be somewhat less invasive.
For all intents and purposes, today should have been a joyous occasion, well as joyous as picking out hardware for a disease you hate could be. But as we sat and listened to what training would be required, how the pump differs from multiple daily injections, the risk of Carter being able to unlock the pump and dose himself enough insulin to kill him, the weight of this change hit me.
All in all, I know this is the right choice, the right change, it will carry with it a learning curve, as any change that sustains your child’s life should. I know I will have better management of Carter’s numbers, he will be in range more, he will be free enjoy being a kid, etc. etc. Yet there are aspects that are a scary new.
As I sat tonight meditating on the choices ahead of me while out to dinner, I sat at the table with Ashleigh and Natasha while Greg took Carter to the restroom with him. As we sat at the table, across the way from the bathroom, I heard Carter’s screams and yells. I looked up and met Ashleigh’s sad eyes as she said to me: “Carter just got his shot.” It was affirmation that I’m making a better choice for my son.
I hate Type 1 Diabetes, and ultimately, I’m just tired.