“Don’t hurt me mommy!” This is the new phrase that comes out of my son’s mouth lately when I check his blood or give him a shot of insulin.
Type 1 Diabetes and anger walk side by side, and as Carter gets older he is manifesting a hatred for the life he has to lead. I understand, to a degree, his anger. I work hard to not be angry daily dealing with this disease.
It’s harder lately, as Carter pushes back when it comes to his care and the management of this horribly frustrating disease. As his mother my heart breaks into pieces hearing him plead with me not to hurt him. Then I am stuck with the difficult task of trying to explain to my not even 3-year-old son that in order to live I must poke him.
This year has been really hard so far, we have battled illness continually in some form since January, and feeling crummy already, then having to get pricked and poked in order to make sure DKA doesn’t add fuel to the fire was rough for Carter.
There have been many days this year that I have wanted to throw in the towel, but then remember I can’t. Type 1 Diabetes never clocks out, there is never a down time. The only options you have is to find ways to push through the exhaustion and the disappointment that greets you daily.
My prayer is that Carter will understand soon how because I love him so much I monitor his care so closely. I know he will grasp this concept eventually, yet now there is an added dread to the blood checks and shots that exist throughout our day.
I watch my son wince when I grab his hand, just to hold it. Every time I touch him, he anticipates a poke. I take every opportunity to just hold him and cuddle with him, in an effort to reinforce our bond and connection minus the diabetic care.
I know this phase will end at some point, yet being in the midst of it is trying…to put it nicely. I don’t know if my anger toward Type 1 Diabetes will ever completely subside, and now watching my son’s anger grow is a hard thing to witness. I remember that his journey is much different from mine, and I must allow him these feelings in order to move past them.
“The forces that tend for evil are great and terrible, but the forces of truth and love and courage and honesty and generosity and sympathy are also stronger than ever before.”