I Hate Diabetes

Family (46)“I hate that our son has diabetes.”  These were the words that came out of my husbands mouth as he sat down on the couch last night.  It was the first time that he actually talked about the effect this change in our lives has had on him.  I glanced over and agreed, I feel as though the reality of this diagnosis has been weighing fairly heavy on me lately.  I am still at that stage where I can think back to this time last year, the focus was on planning our daughters birthday and the joy that surrounded that.  Not knowing what was brewing in my poor son’s body.

We hit our 11 month anniversary on Monday, October 20, and I wonder how long it will take for the 20th of every month not to carry with it the sting of sadness.  It was nice to hear my husbands feelings on the matter, with our hectic schedules we don’t have the opportunity to discuss how he and I are effected by all of this.  We spend our energy and time making sure that our children are coping, especially Carter.

For an instant it was a welcome relief to realize that I am not the only one carrying the burden of Type 1 Diabetes, and affirmation that being only a few weeks away from the 1 year anniversary of our son’s diagnosis, I am not the only one still angry.  Continuing to remind myself that grief is different for everyone and that given the fact that I still don’t look upon Type 1 Diabetes with a comfortable recognition doesn’t mean I haven’t accepted the responsibility willingly.

There are many days I hate Diabetes, most days I do.  Me and Diabetes are not friendly by any means, we tolerate each other because we have to.  If given the opportunity I would do away with Diabetes and make it so that he couldn’t pick on an innocent child ever again.  But for now we must remain in survival mode when it comes to Diabetes, and when frustration strikes we push forward and fight back harder.

No one more than Carter, who endures the pokes and blood draws, and burning of insulin injections with a bravery I could only hope to have.  As Diabetes awareness month continues through November, I am made aware of how many people are afflicted by this disease that is really so difficult to manage.

I love the positivity that the community has as it pertains to the manageability of Type 1 Diabetes, but at the end of the day, forgetting to release the negative isn’t the answer.  There are many, many days when living with and managing this disease are exhausting, and no matter what you do, there is always an element of failure attached to certain outcomes.

Embracing the negative realities while projecting positivity can be a delicate and difficult balance.   There is so much pressure to promote normalcy, which I believe is easy when children are young and believe that everyone gets poked in order to eat, it’s when they get older and realize that they are different that the true fight may begin.

For now, I am geared toward allowing my son to have days when it’s OK to say Diabetes sucks, but when we have good days, with amazing numbers and wonderful outcomes, we celebrate those and live as long as we can in those moments.  Diabetes is hard and horrific, but in order to have a healthy boy, I would sacrifice anything in my life.

 

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