Grief is an interesting person to walk with, one would think that by acquiescing to it and allow it to consume you for a brief time, that it would then have the courtesy of leaving you alone. This isn’t the case when you are the parent to a Type 1 Diabetic child.
Lately I feel suffocated by grief, I allow myself to be sad, in the hope that I will shortly move past it. I am finding that the closer we get to the year mark of Carter’s diagnosis, the heavier my heart feels. The only thing I can deduce is that when the dust settles, when the training is done, when the proof within my son’s A1C shows I can do this, I have nothing else to prove…..I am left with the realization that this will be a battle within our family forever.
I thought I had completely and though reluctantly, accepted the bombardment of Type 1 Diabetes into our lives, and with each day I am finding out I really haven’t. I hide my grief for the most part, and lately it’s the smallest of things that has me feeling like I can’t cope. Everything is a battle, insurance, diabetes, my son’s numbers, my emotions, I just feel so fragile.
I do my best to push through each and everyday, and when I am feeling down, I look at my son who is inflicted with the brunt of what this disease has to offer. Though there are many times throughout the day that he is annoyed by the presence of Diabetes, the rest of the time he is a pillar of strength. I feel badly even feeling effected by Diabetes, when all I am doing is managing it for my son, but watching my son’s frustration and anguish when it comes to diabetes, and knowing that I am unable to take this from him floods me with emotion.
As I work through the grief, I remind myself of how far we have come, and I work hard to be kind to myself and realize that this is a necessary process along the long and windy road to acceptance. The goal being not second guessing everything I did in the days and months leading up to Carter’s diagnosis.
I wonder if the grief aspect will get any easier, will these feelings ever let up or will they always remain there on the surface and just have new hardships tacked on with each new phase we traverse as Carter ages? I guess that part remains to be seen, what I do know is that my love for my children had remained the same. I would do anything to keep them healthy and happy, and if glucose monitoring and shots are part of that equation then so be it, I can work through my feelings as they come.