I must admit, I have had a rough couple of days. It seems no matter what I do, I just feel sad. I don’t particularly know why, it’s just a feeling I can’t seem to shake. I guess the reality is that when it comes to Diabetes, I feel sad. Carter has been struggling with low numbers lately and I will whole heartedly admit that I would rather him be on the higher side then too low.
Last night in particular we had two lows under 65. The first happened at 9:30 PM and I had to use the frosting to bring him up as he wouldn’t drink or eat anything. Then Carter woke up on his own, thank God, at 2:00 AM, 10 minutes before the alarm we have set to check him in the middle of the night, and he was 64. With frosting gone, I had to get some juice. He was not pleased and put up as big of a fight as his little weakened self would permit. I had to hold him down and squeeze the juice into his mouth, which then caused him to choke.
A situation that should have only taken 10 minutes to correct ended up taking 2 hours. Fuming from the toxic juice I forced him to ingest, Carter refused to go back to sleep, I rocked him and held him as he drank some milk, but his anger was evident. I understand, I’m angry too, and when I finally placed him in bed fast asleep at almost 4:00 AM, my head hit the pillow and my brain was flooded with the what if scenarios.
I know the majority of them, if we continue to be vigilant with Carter’s care will never come to pass, yet knowing what could transpire makes my heart sink. I hate watching my child fight so hard and be met with such resistance from his own body, only to be further disappointed when his Mom who is supposed to fix how he is feeling then has to hold him down to shove corn syrup, honey, juice, yogurt, etc, into his mouth when all he wants to do is feel better so he can sleep.
Amazingly it’s not anger that’s leading the charge from my emotions these days, it’s utter heartbreak. We as parents spend out lives making sure our children are healthy and do what we can to help them avoid the pitfalls, then when your child is diagnosed with a lifetime disease feel as though you fail them every minute of everyday. You sit and long to be able to take this burden off of them and realize there is nothing you can do to make that a reality.
Sadness, that’s the emotion I am stuck in these days. I would do anything to release Carter from the scary pokes and shots he has to endure multiple times a day in order to live. But for now the best I can do is manage as best I can and push harder to move beyond the weariness I feel, because I would gladly be exhausted in order to bring a smile to my children’s faces.