The blood sugar rollercoaster that Diabetes brings can be exhausting. Up, down, up, down, and then eventually *crash!* I do my best to try to avoid the crash area as much as I can. I struggle with burnout like the next care taker, and truthfully I don’t do much to make sure I have enough me time. Me time lately, has consisted of extra sleep, when my husband comes home I go to take a nap.
With the extra night checks we have been tasked with due to the major fluctuations in Carter’s numbers, it feels like I hardly get any sleep. But even when I take naps, it seems as though the deficit I am in is too great to try to conquer.
Type 1 Diabetes can take a turn for the worst or the best, in the blink of an eye, and trying to stay one step ahead is absolutely exhausting. But given the alternative that not monitoring blood sugars regularly gives, death, I am extremely vigilant, even when it makes me feel like a zombie.
I worry about how the fluctuations make Carter feel, I worry I am not doing enough, but what more can I do? I check his blood 8-10 times a day, adjust insulin where needed and still the immense fluctuations. Type 1 Diabetes is really a jerk of a disease, so indecisive, and heaven forbid it get a little hotter or cooler, then all bets of consistency are completely off!
Being able to accept the fluctuations if half the battle, getting to the point where you don’t take the fluctuations personally, as if it were a direct reflection of your care, is the hardest part.
I have finally moved past those feelings, and realize that I could be doing everything “right,” yet the numbers will show something completely different. Being overtly diligent with meals, and insulin to carb ratios, and activity can only get you so far when it comes to blood glucose readings. The most freeing thing I have learned to do is forgive myself.
I forgive myself for being pissed off, I forgive myself for being frustrated, and for under dosing because of exhaustion. The ability to properly calculate insulin based on the correction scale, in conjunction with the reading I have received at 2:00AM sometimes takes me a little while to calculate. All the while with a complaining toddler who is getting more awake with each second.
Mothers of Type 1 Diabetic toddlers, are forever stuck in the front lines dilemma, we have the pressure and fear associated with a gun pressed to our temple, yet have to think calm and cool in order to fix the situation.
I don’t think enough emphasis is placed on the parent of a Type 1 child, especially one who isn’t yet fully speaking. The meeting of needs is hard enough when it doesn’t include an algebraic equation, and most times, the variable found within the algebra equation handed to you in the middle of the night includes tears and maybe some cursing out of frustration.
All in all, the end result is always the same, we make it through, we continue to rise above and find the solutions, then when we lay back down in bed we don’t even want to close our eyes again, for we know right when we start to get into REM we will be called upon again.
We conquer this part of out day like exhausted and reluctant champions, and do it over and over again in an effort to give our kids a normal life. Fluctuations or not, I am determined to make sure Carter’s days are filled with fun and excitement, not just blood checks and shots; and I work very hard not to show the fluctuations in my energy level.