Beep, Beep

{Beep, Beep!} This is the sound that starts and ends everyday, as well as being present throughout the entire day.  It’s the sound of needed aid, perfection, proof of vigilance, but always my window in to what is going on with Carter.  Even when I don’t suspect something is wrong and am just checking Carter before a meal, hearing the two beeps triggers a reaction in me that has become so involuntary I almost don’t even feel it anymore, anticipatory unease.

We have had a tiring week, battling low numbers, with adjustment after adjustment which haven’t proved to have worked.  I’ve caught few hours of sleep here and there, I spend most of my time watching Carter and trying to catch up on the things that have fallen behind due to such close monitoring of Carter’s behaviors, and blood sugars.  I feel consumed this weekend with housework, school work, and diabetes care.

My alone time lately is consumed with thoughts, wondering when things will change.  It’s hard to not get discouraged, and to remind myself that this too shall pass.  It’s even harder to have to watch your child display his frustration and know everything you’ve tried to eliminate his frustration isn’t working.  It’s been a struggle lately to not feel burned out.

Then I consider what Carter is going through and how even though I manage everything for him now, I have absolutely no idea how he feels about all of this.  I see him react negatively to the shots, which seem to affect him more intensely lately.  He seems to be extra sensitive to the whole regime, which causes extra acting out to be corrected by a Mother who is spent as it is.

I just would love to take all this aggravation off of him and sit back and watch him be a kid, but I know that isn’t doable today.  So I work extra hard to not show my anger at that reality and so the best I can to make everyday as normal for him as possible.  I still hold on to hope that when he and I are able to talk about this all, it will all get better.  I believe there is power in communication, and having Carter be able to speak to me and let me know his feelings on everything, and to be able to fully know that he cognitively has an understanding of the necessary actions that need to be taken in order to survive, I will then be able to relinquish some of the management to him.

I have adjusted to living day by day and on some days minute by minute because thoughts of what the future holds can be overwhelming.  But all in all I know we will get through it all with flying colors and I will have two children who are exceptionally conscientious.  So though I dread the {Beep, Beep}, I know it’s a fundamentally crucial piece of Carter’s survival, and I am hopeful that the machines are able to help me produce better numbers for my son so we all can have a reprieve.

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