Beyond the Facade

Lion ProfileWe have hit the six month mark, and have been so engrossed in management of blood sugars that I almost missed it all together.  One thing I have found so interesting, is the nature of events that follow once tragedy enters your life.  At the onset, people rally around, wanting to be involved in finding the solution.  It sometimes can be difficult to see the line between empathy and pity, but the comfort is a welcome distraction to the numbness that takes over you.  But eventually you and everyone else gets beyond the façade.

Then as time goes on and the solution is found people inevitably fade away and you are left with the friends or family members who really are there for you.  Even still, it’s interesting how because you find strength to muster through most of the events that said tragedy bring to your everyday life, there are people who are still baffled when mistakes are made or things don’t go just right.  Almost like it is forgotten that you are human.

The saying on the portrait is so true, one of the downfalls of being strong is that you do get forgotten, people don’t remember to check on you.  It’s hard to remember that everyone is fragile and human.  Yes I am a fighter, and I will do anything for my children, especially when it comes to diabetes management for my son, but there are days when I feel I don’t have any strength left to use.  This was one of the motivating factors for blogging, I needed an outlet to get my feelings out.  There are many days that are scary when it comes to Type 1 Diabetes Management, and then there are the days when emotions will just get the better of me.

This happened to me last night, Carter will be two on June 1.  As I sat planning his 2nd birthday, I began to cry.  I remember having his first birthday last year, which was four months pre diagnosis.  I think to what about this birthday will be different, physically not that much, just better and most likely bigger insulin management and needs.   But on an emotional level I am devastated, this isn’t the life I wanted for my child, my son.  I know he will be fine and will live a wonderful life, but if given the choice I would opt to not have to deal with, or manage diabetes.  The self-awareness that is required with this disease is immense, my son has to be more responsible food wise then I do.  He has to monitor his food more than I did when I was pregnant.  I remember the hassle it was when I was pregnant, the things I could and couldn’t eat.  Not that Carter is limited as to what he can eat, it’s just the pressure of having to think not only for himself but for an organ as well that should be working on his behalf.  I am exhausted doing it and I know that at some point I will pass the torch onto Cater, a terrifying thought but a day that will inevitably come.

I guess my point tonight is be a little extra tender to any parents of Type 1 Diabetes children, our lives are really so fragile.  We fret all day, every day.  We worry, and feel like we are failing more often than not, we stress that we are not doing enough, then wonder if we are being to overbearing.  It’s such a fine dance we do every day, and some days it works, and others it doesn’t.  Another point is, don’t forget about those who battle tragedy all day, multiple times a day are human and need a little extra wiggle room, and to be checked on just as much as the next person.   We do our best to make it through each day, but there is immense exhaustion and worry that we can’t slough off when each day starts, so be patient with us.

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