The Laws of Illusion

Today I could actually feel myself aging.  Lately I have wondered how much cortisol is careening through my body at a given time.   In all my 33 years, I have never been under the amount of stress I am under now.   Everyday it feels like the same thing, only with slight variations, a high blood sugar immediately followed by an extreme low.  We walk through the day sometimes like zombies due to lack of sleep, and due to the extremes we have been having Carter and Ashleigh have been suffering in the sleep department too.  This produces tired children and mommy all day, with nerves exposed, fuses short, children who are not equipped to cope, and a mother who most days feels like my coping skills are questionable.  This is when the laws of illusion come in to play, behind closed doors we cry, scream, punch our pillows in frustration and anger at what we have to watch our children go through, and when we relate to the real world we put our facades on and talk about how grateful we are and the positive aspects about the disease.  On the days we don’t feel as if we can accomplish this with the proper persuasion we stay in doors and give ourselves the much-needed “human” days.  As I interrupted my son and daughter from playing wonderfully together today in order to check Carter’s blood and dose him his insulin for lunch, I realized how angry I still am.  Diabetes hasn’t only invaded my son’s body, it’s invaded his family, MY family and it makes me mad as hell.  There is so much more to think about these days, so much more at stake, so much more to consider before even walking out the door for the day.  Diabetes has robbed us of spontaneity, being able to swim all day and get lost in the thrill of being in the water and not being bothered.  Now swimming is bombarded with blood checks for fear of dipping too low, taking time out to eat a snack when a low shows itself, then waiting the proper amount of time before getting back in the pool.  Diabetes is such a hassle, and the reality of it is that even with the highs and lows, my family doesn’t even have it that bad.  We struggled through Diabetic Ketoacidosis in November 2013 at diagnosis, but have had a relatively good run so far in these five months we have been managing it.   We reluctantly manage diabetes, which was uninvited into our circle but is here anyway.   Don’t get me wrong,  I am grateful, and thankful, and I post about those feeling frequently, but today I am seething and tired.   One day perhaps the joy will flow from me without any effort, but for now anyway I anticipate keeping the laws of illusion at the forefront in order to survive through most days.

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