Strength through Sensitivity

Ashleigh and Carter - April 2014
Ashleigh and Carter – April 2014

We have had a great week, numbers wise.  Unfortunately Ashleigh battled the flu throughout the week, and thankfully Carter walked through this week unscathed.  Absolutely zero symptoms of the flu, and all it takes is a slight change in our current routine and I am unbelievably exhausted.  Today, I could barely keep my eyes open once 3 PM hit.  I find that even these wonderful times where numbers are exceptional and diabetes seems to be playing nice, my body, when given a moment to pause, fails me.  I long for the day when we can enjoy, together, the easier times,  I remind myself we are only five months in, and my emotions are still fresh.  The dread, anguish, and exhaustion I push through 90% of the time catch up with me.  It’s in these good times when my body and spirit need to catch their breath.  Rejuvenation comes in many forms, and in the same way I allow my tears to flow in order to feel instead of go numb, my body has to go through the same process.  I thank God that this week, when my baby girl was so sick, I was able to take a little break from diabetes management and focus on assisting her in getting well again.  I watched Carter this week, I have never been privy to a two-year-old in the midst of worry, until this week.  Carter wanted to crawl into bed with his sister and help me nurse her back to health.  At one point when Ashleigh woke up at midnight and was throwing up, Carter stood in his doorway and reached for her.  I am constantly overwhelmed by the bond that my children share with each other.   I find that lately I am now fighting to find the strength through my sensitivity.  Everything seems to be effecting me lately, the thought of Ashleigh going to school for 3 hours a day starting in August has me really emotional.  It was then that I realized how we can cripple ourselves with co-dependence in the midst of tragedy.  Making sure that I am equipping my children and not hindering them has been on the forefront of my mind lately.  I feel as though I have put up with so much unwelcome change in these past five months, and I want to put my foot down, especially in times like this week when we have essentially had an almost diabetes free week.  I have gained so many new friends in these past five months, and the prayers that have been sent up for my family have been immense.  It is so unbelievably astonishing how many people think of Carter and my family on a daily basis.  I don’t know where I would be without the support and love, it helps me get through my day, and enables me to be the best mom I can be to my children.  I know that change is inevitable and I have to embrace it, though reluctantly, however, I cherish the moments when things appear to be what they used to be.  I am grateful to be winning when it comes to the trial, but am so thankful when I am able to live a moment in the life we once had.  Having a week where blood glucose numbers were easy and great, made me worry less about Carter.  I enjoyed every moment we shared together this week, and basked in the love he and his sister displayed for each other.   Watching my children care for each other, helps me to find the strength I need in order to get through the times when my sensitivity overwhelms me.   I have complete faith, that eventually we will be able to all enjoy the great times and leave my exhaustion behind.

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