The Painful Road to Healing

Close up of Carter - Photo taken by Ashleigh 3.2014
Close up of Carter – Photo taken by Ashleigh 3.2014

I don’t particularly know what is different about today, we actually had a great day. It was a day surrounded by family, on the way home I took the back way from my mom’s house to get home. It was then that the jog down memory lane began. On the day that Carter was diagnosed, we originally were going to take him to his pediatrician. As I buckled Carter in his car seat he began breathing really heavy, which I later found out was due to the metabolic acidosis. All of a sudden there was a horrific traffic jam and I was detoured. I remember sitting, not moving, with my son sitting behind me in the car and listening to his breathing getting worse. Tears poured out of my eyes as I listened, to what felt like my son taking his last breaths. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before, and decided we were going to the local Emergency Room. I was able to get through to another street where I turned and booked it to the Emergency Room that started our diabetic journey. As I passed that street tonight, I flashed back to that frightful moment 4 months ago. I looked back in my rearview mirror and caught a glimpse of Carter and Ashleigh playing and laughing in the back of the car today, a welcome transformation from that day in November 2013. Upon arriving home, I haven’t been able to shake the flood of memories I have been reliving today. When I think back to November 20, 2013, I can clearly see God’s hand on my family, I see his miraculous timing that allowed us to get Carter into the hospital before a coma. I am grateful and blessed that we are where we are today, though new, we are beginning acceptance.  When I speak with people about Carter’s blood sugar numbers, they are generally surprised that he wasn’t in a coma with a blood reading of 880 at only 17 months old.  I have been beyond blessed, especially on nights like tonight when in the midst of my sadness I am able to go pick up my son and cradle him while I rock him.  The end to our story is one of happiness and manageability, yet today I am extremely sad.  I’m OK with feeling sadness, I embrace this as part of my road to healing.  My sorrowful days come fewer these days, but when they do I allow the release of emotion.  Tomorrow will be amazing, I just know it, but tonight I am tearfully reminiscent.  Yet through my tears I know my spirit is mending and these memories that still seem to disable my emotions will be our war wounds encompassed by the stories of our victorious journey.

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