Moving on

Me and the Kids - January 2013
Me and the Kids – January 2013

I’ve had an interesting day today, very retrospective and difficult at times. Wednesday of last week I went back to work, the last day I worked was November 20, 2013, the day Carter was diagnosed. Come Monday, I will be off of my leave of absence from school and my classes start-up again. Tonight, when I opened up my class schedule the tears started to flow. I find today, that I am feeling stuck in the proverbial purgatory, riding the line between staying present where I am, or getting life back to normal and moving on.  I knew this day was inevitable and in one regard its wonderful proof of how far I have come since Carter’s diagnosis.  Yet as the mother to a 21 month old Type 1 Diabetic, I wonder, can I do it all?  For an instant today fear gripped me, I wondered how much I can actually take on without something slipping through the cracks.  Yet the majority of what I have on my plate is truly beyond my control.  I realize that the only thing that is added to my routine now is the diabetes management.  As I remember what life was like pre diagnosis, the stress starts to clear and I have found the confidence I once had, before it became shrouded with the failure I have been feeling lately due to diabetes.  I love to watch my son as he looks at me with complete certainty of my capabilities to care for him.  If only he knew how that look gave me the assurance I need in order to push through the day.  Change doesn’t come easy to me, I was forced to accept this new routine, and now, when given the reins to take my life back, I feel more apprehensive and afflicted than ever.  Have I done enough to prepare for this step, am I ready?  I recognize that mentally I never really would be ready, yet I remember I have successfully, though hesitantly, maneuvered through these past three months and have gained an immense amount of knowledge.  My son is thriving and happy, I may feel drained but ultimately his cheerful demeanor is all more proof that I have accomplished what I set out to upon our discharge from the hospital in November of 2013.  My son is living a normal life, I know some days will be riddled with difficulty, stress, sadness, and uncertainty, however, I also know they will be filled with love, joy, and laughter.  So though I sit here grieving another change, this is at least a change I am ready for and welcome.  Given the past 3 months we have had as a family, through all the weakness and strength, all the growth, I am ready to embrace moving on, and getting our lives back.

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